There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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