ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
