I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
