I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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