im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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