He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
