My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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