my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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