I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
