I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
