You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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