I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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