The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Randomize
