My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
