2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
