She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
