corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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