I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
