So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize