Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
