You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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