What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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