well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
