so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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