I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
