I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Randomize
