What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
