it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
