Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Someone came in the potted fern
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
