Are we in a gay sports bar?
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
