i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
