You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
