This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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