Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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