You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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