Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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