Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
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