My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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