My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
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