final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
