Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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