I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
