Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
