it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Boobs speak an international language.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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