i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
