Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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