I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
