my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
