I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
