I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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